Saturday, August 16, 2008
Sorry
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I constantly find myself apologising now and then. I'd look back and always wonder why. Yes you have excellent reasons to be disappointed at me. I would be too. You know maybe ... maybe this isn't cut out to be all it seems to be... Maybe i'm making you much more unhappy.
Maybe i don't deserve you. Yes thats right, I don't.
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It's been a week since granddad passed. I find myself stoning infront of my laptop thinking about him. Everthing is flushing back into my head.
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All this stress is getting to me. Waking up early the previous morning to head down to school in order to study alone in the atrium. Passing of granddad. Being a disappointment. Work. Exams. sleeping late nightly.
Funny how everything that made you happy could turn around in just a week.
I don't think i can handle everything.
Like last night i just collasped on the room floor the moment i got home.
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I need to go down for a cigarette.
Friday, August 15, 2008
A Tree
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Today while studying i looked at a tree being swayed by the wind. I got temporarily distracted.
I don't know why but i started thinking about life.
Weird huh.
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My eyes are closing.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Beauty.
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Like and angel you reach out and pick me up when i fall.
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I've seen you everyday for 6 days. For 2 i woke up to your face. You make me feel happy and i forget about everything else in existance when i see your face.
Thankyou for being there.
.
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Anyway i've been looking seriously at tattoos. I'm getting one for granddad and grandma so that i will never forget, i'll make it so that i can add on for people whom i love who have passed. I kinda have something in mind but i'm going to wait for awhile to allow myself to comtemplate and have a solid idea. And when i really want it, i will get one. Regardless of the army.
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I will have to get myself back on track. Its not really moving on but i think i am able to get back and still miss him.
I want to miss him.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Goodbye
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Today was the last day of the wake.
I expected myself to cry during the cremation. However, i didn't. While everyone else were crying hard i stood in the middle, quiet, watching on. I looked at faces, and the process. No i will never forget this moment in a lifetime.
I heard silence and peace among all the crying.
I don't really know why.
After everything i walked over to mum and dad.
I had a straight face.
But i fell into a simple, inexorable oblivion of tears
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Thanks everyone for being there. Especially love, you've been there in every way every single day since granddad went into the hospital. You were there to hold my hand, wipe my tears and embrace me. You were there to make me smile and laugh and have little moments of happiness which took me away for brief moments from the undeniable facts.
I wish you could be next to me forever.
I want to wake up to your face again tmr.
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Thanks everyone for your comments too. Please dont quarrel on the tagboard i find it quite weird and funny
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Last night i took photo albums which were around since 1933 to have a look at. They had pictures of my grandad when he was young and they had photos of my dad when he was a baby. They were in black and white. The pictures are extremely beautiful.
I was left wondering how the hell a camera from that age could focus such beauty, create shadows on faces and capture life in motion.
Looking at all the photos was a ride of discovery.
It really was i have decided to keep my own. Apparently Granddad was a serious photographer who had a friend was was famous in that scene in his time. I guess thats why he could come out with photos like that
At least i can see his past and now i can remember him by with these photos.
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Tomorrow i'm studying in school.
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I have not slept for 3 days
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I still can't believe you're gone.
My Last Night With You.
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"The person that means the world is at the end of the isle"
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Tomorrow you will be gone. I will never see you again, ever. I will never hear your voice and laughter. I will never feel your touch. I will never see your smile again.
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But I will have memories. The lovely memories you left behind. The last smile you gave to me is ingrained into my mind.
It'll never disappear.
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Last night was spent playing the guitar, playing cards telling jokes and giving each other smart little riddles to keep ourselves awake. Walked in and out to take short looks to try my best never to forget that face.
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Tonight i will spend my time next to you. Although you're silent, i'll watch over and look at you like there's no tomorrow. Simply because there isn't.
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No sleep. Already starting to feel dizzy.
But i must last till tmr morning at the very least.
At the very least,
till i see you disappear into ashes.
I will collapse.
Like last time.
