Saturday, August 09, 2008
And I miss you the most.
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Right after my first soccer match. Sister msged me.
“Kit... Grandpa might not make it. His condition became worse. Try coming down today."
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I started crying.
My hand shook as I tried to light up a cigarette.
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Went back home to change and got out immediately. Little brother, Vannessa and I cabbed to NUH. I felt scared during the journey, didn't know if i could make it in time.
But I guess that’s the beauty of it all,
Any moment could be our last.
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Even walking along the corridors I felt afraid. I didn't know what to do or feel.
But it came naturally, the moment I saw him.
I couldn't stop.
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All the relatives were either in or outside the room. Each taking their turn to go in and wake him up. He didn't respond.
We all looked at the life support machine for constant updates. The one with the curved lines beeping up and down. The alarm constantly went off, indicating a drastic drop in his blood pressure and heartbeat rate. Initially it was normal, but after awhile, it started to drop, slowly.
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My uncle was on his way back from a business venture in Vietnam. He was estimated to reach at 5. My other uncle came back the day before. He missed my grandmother's death. He didn't want to let it happen again. We all hoped that he could last for just those few hours.
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Granddad was laying on the bed. Eyes closed. I still remember the way he smiled at me the day before. The glint and happiness in his eyes when i introduced Vannessa as my girlfriend. He laughed.
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Now he can't even move. He wears an oxygen mask and takes in slow and short breaths. He doesn't respond to anything. People took turns to cry by his bed side. Our face masks were damp and wet from all the crying.
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I have never seen myself in this state before.
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Vannessa and I went down. I didn’t have the appetite to eat but i did anyway. She went off after.
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We all knew he would go. It was just a matter of when. I went back up. Hugged mum. Her face and eyes were red. So were mine. I went back into the room and watched from then on.
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I watched the colour slowly leaving his face. I watched on as the line on the machine got straighter and straighter. I watched on as his blood pressure got lower and lower. I watched on as he takes in less oxygen from his mask. I watched on as his breaths got shorter and shorter. I watched on as his chest stopped moving. I watched on as he stopped breathing.
No the line didn't come to a complete straight line like you see in the movies. No it didn't give a long siren to notify you of his death. The machine stated that he was still alive. He had a pulse.
But i realised then I was watching my grandfather die.
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I stroked his hair and felt his cold forehead. I kissed it.
A nurse came in and requested we all leave the room. We did, i looked on as she pulled the curtain, blocking our sight of him, I was the last to see him before the curtains were closed. My aunty swore. Nurse came out and told us she needed to get a doctor to certify his death.
I cried
All of us rushed back in and looked on. There were soft weeping and loud cries. I was at the corner, watching on.
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Doctor came in. Once again I wanted to be the last to leave. A few minutes later she came out with a long stretch of paper. Looks at my dad "Are you the representative?"
Dad nodded. I walked over.
"Official time of death is 2.16pm. We need you to sign some forms"
It was over.
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Everyone went back in. Some refused the fact and continued trying to wake him up. I curled up at the corner.
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Chengyong called right after, I started crying before i could reply.
I started making calls on the floor at the side of the corridor.
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I have never cried so much in my life, my head hurts from all of it. I went back in and stroked his head again. Took a good look at his face. Its features; wrinkles, colour, the way his mouth was opened to a side. I will remember it forever. I kissed his forehead once again and left the room.
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Right now granddad,
I miss you the most.
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I miss you the most.
Was today special?
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Today Vannessa and I went to NUH to visit granddad. I don't know what to say. I grew up with him always around, the memories of him chasing me around the house with a cane, I’d run up into my room and lock the door and hide while he hammers and hammers non-stop. I wish he could still do the same, I wish he was still able to whip me senseless. Soon after Grandma passed, he had a stroke which impaired his ability to walk properly. Everything went smooth after that he was still mobile and could remember everything clearly. Then came another stroke which got the right hand. He couldn't write anymore. Soon he stopped reading too. He started to forget, slowly but surely, he started to forget. At one point he couldn't remember my name. It comes and goes; his memory.
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The doctor asked how i was related to him and said that he needed to talk to us.
Love and I went out to listen to what he had to say.
Apparently, Granddad doesn’t want to eat or can't swallow. He told us that they had another option;
"We will stick a tube up his nose and let it run all the way down to his stomach and feed him with milk. However, I don't have to tell you that it is going to be painful and if he tries to pull the tube out we would have to tie and strap him down. Is this okay with you?"
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Deep down, i hated the idea. I hate how he has to feel more pain than he already has to deal with. I hate how you have to strap him down. I hate the whole idea.
Can you imagine yourself on a bed, unable to breathe properly, heavy lungs, choking on your own phlegm thus rendering you unable to speak. Can you imagine a group of unknown people standing around you and you can't seem to figure out what was happening; what was all the fuss about? You wake up finding a tube leading into your nostrils. White liquid is being pumped into it. It hurts, it hurts so much. Plastic on bare flesh. You can't take it. You try to grab the tube out of your nose, not knowing it runs all the way down to your stomach. It hurts even more when you tug it gently. But you pull anyway because you want it to be over, the pain that you're feeling constantly. The unfamiliar faces hold you down and begin to tie you up to the sides of the bed. You try to resist but they are much stronger, so much stronger that in the next minute you find yourself unable to move. You can't do anything but lay there and feel the pain. No matter how you struggle, they won't let you go. They won't let you go.
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I called dad and he agreed to it. He didn't sound happy either.
Who would?
Now can you all tell me...
Was my 080808 special?
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Oh well, on a lighter note love and I wanted to try something special and different today. I suggested jumping into Clarke quay's river. She suggested donating blood since we were in the hospital. I went with it. We were so excited but found out you have to be 18. But we're still going to do it after we get our forms signed =)
I'm glad you're here.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Why do skies turn grey?
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I used to ask a lot of questions in the car
"Mum, why do the skies turn grey?"
"It's not the sky, the clouds turn grey."
"Why?"
"When it turns grey it means its about to rain. It has to rain sometime."
"Why can't they stay white forever?"
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I sat next to granddad again today. He breaths were short and rough. He looked as though he was in pain. He couldn't open his eyes. My maid was crying. I called dad immediately and asked that he get to the hospital. Ambulance arrived within an hour. Now the bed is empty.
I'll be visiting him tomorrow with Vannessa.
I'll make sure i won't regret like that last time.
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I'm watching Jackass now on mtv. I'm watching Johnny Knoxville wrapped up in meat and being attack by dogs. Now he is standing then and just received a sledgehammer to his balls. There's this midget running around naked and is being squashed by a super fat naked man. I love Jackass it cheers me up.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
I SAT ON THE BACK OF A LORRY!!!!!
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Woke up at 2.
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Granddad isn't doing well. Woke up only to find out that he has chest infection. At his age its pretty serious. He is 90 plus. I sat next to him today for quite sometime. I see him taking in short breaths, gasping for air, slowly reaching out for my arm. I started crying. He looked at me but i don't think he knew whats was going on. He gave me silence.
I wonder if he knows what is to come.
If he does... i wonder how he's taking it.
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Went down to Clarke Quay's starbucks left around 830. Went onto David's lorry i enjoyed the breeze blowing through my hair. We passed by Orchard and i started randomly shouting at people by the sidewalks. We stopped at Coffee club opposite Cineleisure. We cabbed home. Sat under Hermy's block to talk and off home. I'm tired. I'm worried.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Walk of Faith.
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Insecurities kick in and you'd play scenarios in your mind
These scenarios are of the worst
They are you deepest fears
But what if everything
was true all along?
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At times we have to make the leap.
I guess faith is most important in your time of need.
Have faith that it won't be the same anymore
Have faith that everything will turn out right
Have faith that it'll be okay.
But then again...
What if faith isn't enough?
I guess time will tell
I guess time will tell
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I'm watching Munich on HBO now. Its very interesting and deep i'm glad i understand. Its full of violent, impulsive human emotions yet it's scary in the way how things come back to you and how afraid you can be, how dangerous men can be. But also the movie can be long and boring.
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I'm yours just came onto MTV. Watch first.
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Photos from friday.
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