Saturday, August 09, 2008
And I miss you the most.
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Right after my first soccer match. Sister msged me.
“Kit... Grandpa might not make it. His condition became worse. Try coming down today."
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I started crying.
My hand shook as I tried to light up a cigarette.
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Went back home to change and got out immediately. Little brother, Vannessa and I cabbed to NUH. I felt scared during the journey, didn't know if i could make it in time.
But I guess that’s the beauty of it all,
Any moment could be our last.
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Even walking along the corridors I felt afraid. I didn't know what to do or feel.
But it came naturally, the moment I saw him.
I couldn't stop.
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All the relatives were either in or outside the room. Each taking their turn to go in and wake him up. He didn't respond.
We all looked at the life support machine for constant updates. The one with the curved lines beeping up and down. The alarm constantly went off, indicating a drastic drop in his blood pressure and heartbeat rate. Initially it was normal, but after awhile, it started to drop, slowly.
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My uncle was on his way back from a business venture in Vietnam. He was estimated to reach at 5. My other uncle came back the day before. He missed my grandmother's death. He didn't want to let it happen again. We all hoped that he could last for just those few hours.
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Granddad was laying on the bed. Eyes closed. I still remember the way he smiled at me the day before. The glint and happiness in his eyes when i introduced Vannessa as my girlfriend. He laughed.
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Now he can't even move. He wears an oxygen mask and takes in slow and short breaths. He doesn't respond to anything. People took turns to cry by his bed side. Our face masks were damp and wet from all the crying.
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I have never seen myself in this state before.
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Vannessa and I went down. I didn’t have the appetite to eat but i did anyway. She went off after.
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We all knew he would go. It was just a matter of when. I went back up. Hugged mum. Her face and eyes were red. So were mine. I went back into the room and watched from then on.
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I watched the colour slowly leaving his face. I watched on as the line on the machine got straighter and straighter. I watched on as his blood pressure got lower and lower. I watched on as he takes in less oxygen from his mask. I watched on as his breaths got shorter and shorter. I watched on as his chest stopped moving. I watched on as he stopped breathing.
No the line didn't come to a complete straight line like you see in the movies. No it didn't give a long siren to notify you of his death. The machine stated that he was still alive. He had a pulse.
But i realised then I was watching my grandfather die.
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I stroked his hair and felt his cold forehead. I kissed it.
A nurse came in and requested we all leave the room. We did, i looked on as she pulled the curtain, blocking our sight of him, I was the last to see him before the curtains were closed. My aunty swore. Nurse came out and told us she needed to get a doctor to certify his death.
I cried
All of us rushed back in and looked on. There were soft weeping and loud cries. I was at the corner, watching on.
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Doctor came in. Once again I wanted to be the last to leave. A few minutes later she came out with a long stretch of paper. Looks at my dad "Are you the representative?"
Dad nodded. I walked over.
"Official time of death is 2.16pm. We need you to sign some forms"
It was over.
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Everyone went back in. Some refused the fact and continued trying to wake him up. I curled up at the corner.
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Chengyong called right after, I started crying before i could reply.
I started making calls on the floor at the side of the corridor.
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I have never cried so much in my life, my head hurts from all of it. I went back in and stroked his head again. Took a good look at his face. Its features; wrinkles, colour, the way his mouth was opened to a side. I will remember it forever. I kissed his forehead once again and left the room.
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Right now granddad,
I miss you the most.
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I miss you the most.
